she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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