I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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