I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
