Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
All the doctor said was why
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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