dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
