you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
