watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
