nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize