I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
