I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
