woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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