If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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