life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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