saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize