I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
