i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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