Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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