Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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