none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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