You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
