he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
how drunk are you?
Several
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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