Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
