I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
