it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
