everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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