omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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