the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
