how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize