Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How external is "for external use only"?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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