I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
