So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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