so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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