Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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