he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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