I faked an abortion last night.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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