I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's always time for handjobs
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
