A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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