on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
