I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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