So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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