my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize