I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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