We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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