She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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