There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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