Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
