You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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