I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
