I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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