why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize