if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
