Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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