how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
