My sheets look like a crime scene.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
