i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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