I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
