Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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