sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
