I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
