There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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