I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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