The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize