Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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