Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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