We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
