Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
